Stuck

If this post comes across sacrilegious, because of the parallel to a mythical creature I'm sorry, but It's something I've had on my heart and I'd like to share it with you.

I just finished friday a book that I started thursday. It was pretty good. It's basically about a girl my age who is a werewolf and she's trying to figure out how to be who she's meant to be. The parallels at the end of this book in comparison to what I feel in my heart are scarily accurate. yet I didn't realize it till after I read bobby's e-mail to me about this, what I've been struggling with. About my fears holding me back when the spirit nudges me to do something, about living whole-heartedly for Him. I was praying, trying to figure out how to live whole-heartedly, and to be who I'm meant to be and then it all clicked...and then I just lost it because of what God showed me, no matter how strange the method may have been.

Here are some parts from the book that apply to what I have to say:
(at this point she's stuck in a form that's 1/2 human and 1/2 wolf.) "Then why am I stuck?" "You don't understand do you? It's your choice. You're doing it to yourself. If you want to, you can make the change. Relax. Let go." "I can't" "Yes, you can. And I know how to help you."
(Long story short, he loves her deeply and shows her how to be herself, who she's meant to be-a werewolf. He helps her go from stuck in between to whole.)

Here's a prayer I wrote down last night after our Abba showed me the connection between what I had read and what I was feeling in my heart:
God, I'm at an impasse. I'm stuck in the middle of two things, choices that I must make. I want so desperately to serve you whole-heartedly. To lead w/o reserve and fear, yet I find myself holding back, ignoring your touch. Because I'm afraid of what people will think. "Afraid to rid my life of the things that so easily bring me down." (As bobby says.) I'm living luke-warm and I'm tired of it. It's crushing my spirit and who I am, who you've made me and who you'll make me. I'm stuck between 1/2 wolf and 1/2 human. I can't seem to let go and completely embrace who I'm meant to be. I know it's a choice, it's my choice, but I'm scared/unsure and I can't do it alone. I doubt myself, I'm holding myself back and at times, bring myself down. I've been known to put myself before you and I must rid myself, my life, of that. I need to completely let go, of what I want and think best, because it's all about you, not me. I don't doubt you. There's nothing you can't do. "I can do all things through Christ who is my strength." I can't be a "werewolf" w/o you, because a werewolf needs strength to be what they're meant to be and you are that strength. I need you. (for much more than simply strength.) You can help me, I must let you help me. I can't live this way anymore. I loved (what I thought was love) in a way that's not who I truly am... I loved things of this world. I was not being true to myself. I was loving what should not be loved, and because of that I was only loving with 1/2 of my heart. I know what true love is, you have shown me, it's loving with my whole being. We weren't made to live1/2, whole is who you made me to be. And through you, my precious prince (my true love) -you who I can be myself with- and by your precious blood I can be whole once more. I just have to trust you and let you help me change/grow. Help me to let go of the things that are holding me back. Help me be who I am meant to be. Make me your "werewolf". Conquer all my fears and misgivings and reign in me.

Please keep me in your prayers as I struggle to completely let go...to let my Abba take control of my life so that I might live without reserve and fear (of what people think).

"Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ." Galatians 1:10

Loss for words

I've had this song stuck in my head all night. We sang it in chapel and it's amazing how accurate the words and the meaning behind them mirror how I'm feeling tonight.
It is the song Word of God Speak by MercyMe, and the lyrics go like this:

I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay
The last thing I need is to be heard
But to hear what You would say

[CHORUS]Word of God speak would You pour down like rain washing my eyes to see Your majesty to be still and know that You're in this place please let me stay and rest in Your holiness Word of God speak.

I'm finding myself in the midst of You
Beyond the music, beyond the noise
All that I need is to be with You
And in the quiet hear Your voice
[REPEAT CHORUS 2x]

I'm finding myself at a loss for words and the funny thing is it's okay.

We were talking tonight upstairs about things we see or experience that prove the existence of God. There were so many things mentioned so many personal stories shared that could only be the intervention of the hand of God. I was overwhelmed and at a loss for words. I remianed silent and just took in how amazing and real and active he is in our lives. He's all around us and sometimes we just need to remain silent and in the quiet hear his voice. I heard him loud and clear tonight and just sat there, my eyes brimming with tears, and my heart overflowing. I'm finding myself at a loss for words, and the funny thing is it's okay.

Camp, A Glimpse of Holy

(Look out this is gonna be a long post. =D I'll understand if u don't want to read it. but I encourage u to cuz I've put my heart into all of these words.)

Also, to the left are videos that pertain to all this...that u might want to watch. Underneath them is an explanation and suggestion as to which ones i recommend.

This is a poem I wrote way before camp just to give u a little insight to how I was feeling.

Lord, have you seen inside,
and seen what I’ve done?
Oh, don’t you know me?
It seems I’ve hurt everyone.

Spirit, I know I’ve messed up.
The guilt haunts me so long.
Every time I remember it all,
I feel like I’m too far-gone.

Father, look, I’m trying,
but I can’t stop the sin.
And every time I stumble
I cry out, “I’m lost again!”

I know you went to Calvary
I know you died to set me free
You even hung upon the cross,
but Lord, why for me?

God, I’ve made mistakes.
Done things I’m not proud of.
How can you still want me?
Then I hear you whisper, “Love.”

“Little one don’t you know
when I died upon that tree,
your sins were nailed with me there
to show how much I love thee.

Child, won’t you look at me?
What sin? Where? It’s gone!
Don’t you know I love you?
That’s why I sent my son.

My love, do you really know me,
and understand what I’ve done?
I am the key that unlocks sin’s chains.
Just come to me, everyone.

Yes, I went to Calvary
Of course I died to set you free
I chose to hang upon your cross.
Child, for you, can’t you see?

My bride, please look at me.
See, we don’t have to be apart.
I’ve prepared a place just for us
and I can live inside your heart.”

Now I understand.
You died because of love.
To save me though I stumble
and to help me from above.

Savior, can you forgive me?
A fool I’ll ever be.
For pushing you away
from living close to me.

Abba, I can’t do this alone.
I don’t want us to be apart.
So I’ve reopened the door.
Come back into my heart.

I wrote the last part of this poem, where I'm talking again to God, quite a while after I'd written the first part. I wrote it because my mom said it didn't have that 'resolve' at the end like she thought it needed. I agreed, so I typed away. However, even though my mind understood what I was writing and knew it was true I had a hard time convincing my heart. (I don't think that makes much sense.) I guess what I'm trying to say is that I love my God and I knew that he did too because he died for me, but what my mind knew was different from what my heart felt. My heart was questioning why my Abba would die for me. I knew he died because he loves me and because he wants to spend eternity with me, but me and my heart felt so small and insignificant...so unworthy. I guess because of expectations I'd set for myself and then I'd constantly, and still do, fall and stumble. And because of memories I had of how terrible I could be. I struggled to understand the vastness of my Father's forgiveness. I was dwelling on the negative and made myself feel second rate...useless...unworthy. So, this is how I was feeling when I set off to camp with my heart open ready for anything, because I knew He could and would work in mysterious ways for my doubting heart.

The first night of camp was a huge turning point for me. We watched a Louie Giglio film and it was amazing, like perfect timing amazing. He mainly talked about the stars and our solar system. Did u know that if the earth were the size of a golf ball a star, not even the biggest star mind you, would be the size of Mount Everest! The biggest star that scientists have found is so big that the sun...the sun wouldn't even be a speck in comparison. That right there did me in to tears and he wasn't even done talking yet. I thought he was going to say the earth woudn't even be a speck. Do u know how small that makes us?! Small Small. And God is so much bigger than these. He breathed them into existence. (Psalm 33:6) I was beginning to be overwhelmed again. I am so small and unworthy and He is Sooo big. Then Louie started talking about laminin. Oh my goodness. Laminin is a protein in your body. But it's not just any protein, it is the very thing that is holding u together. Ya that small microscopic thing is keeping u and me from falling apart. And guess what else? It is in the perfect shape of the cross. And get this parallel: Colossians 1:17 "He is before all things, and in him all things hold together." How cool is that! I guarantee you that that is no coincidence. It is God. And that's where I lost it completely. I felt so small and insignificant. And yet, in that same moment a huge peace and love washed over me. I was overwhelmed because I was so small and my God was so big...in a positive way. If my heavenly Father can breathe the huge massive vast stars into existence and hold us together what can my God not do? Absolutely nothing. And He chooses to love me and He, one of majesty and who is absolutely indescribable, wishes to have a personal relationship with me! Me of all people. A sinner. I was overwhelmed and overflowing with the love of God.

And I thought that it couldn't get any better...hah. I was so wrong. We did many other things through out the week that spoke to my spirit (such as star gazing...amazing...and I looked at them with a completely different perspective.) , but there was one other thing that really stood out to me and stuck with me. It was the night of our 'emotional devotional.' Collinsville and memorial split so we could have a night just with our youth group. I usually cry on these nights at camp, but I wasn't sure if I could this time. I was so full of joy and filled with the love of God. I didn't think I had any tears in me this time. Well we started singing and I just let my spirit soar as we praised our Father. It was an amazing feeling. There were friends all around me that were in tears and I did my best to comfort them. Praise drew to a close and we ended with a prayer. During that prayer my heart and my thoughts began to pour out. As I stood there with my arms around cori and morgan my own tears joined their's. I don't know how to describe my thought process there, but as I stood there I started to think about the girls that I had my arms around and then all the other family around me. I had this longing in me to reach out to them all and ....

I don't know, show them the love of God; to be a leader. I've had that longing in me for a long time. Ever since I've been in the youth group. But I never new how to do it. I'd compare myself to others...bad idea. The Spirit would give me a nudge to share something on my heart in class, but I'd always freak out and try to push that nudge away. I see ways I can show the love of God but i get scared and choose to not take that step out of my comfort zone. And then I realized that, duh, I've been trying to take that step on my own. I can't do anything without my Father. I need to trust him. That's what it came down to. Trust. Dependence. An in that instant He put a further peace in me that was an assurance to my heart. It helped me let go and soley trust in him. I'm unholy, but he is holy. I'm unworthy, but he is worthy. He is bigger than my biggest fears. He can use me, I just have to let him. I now, have a new found trust in my Abba and I'm working on surrendering all. My heart can now truly say:

Now I understand.

You died because of love.

To save me though I stumble

and to help me from above.

Savior, can you forgive me?

A fool I’ll ever be.

For pushing you away

from living close to me.

Abba, I can’t do this alone.

I don’t want us to be apart.

So I’ve reopened the door.

Come back into my heart.

Update

Hey guys! well I have a lot to say and most of it is just random. However I still have things on my heart to share with you that I haven't gotten around to yet, such as camp. but since It's getting late and I'm exausted from a very hot day I'm going to share some of my inmost thoughts with you tomorrow...so I'm thinking straight.

So, here goes randomness...
My booster shots weren't near as bad as I thought they were going to be. Infact, I'm almost certain that I've never had a booster, before this past one, that had such a small amount of pain. My only explanation would be God. He's amazing.

My mom is doing better, stress wise anyway. But she's still having problems with her fingers. She can't feel anything and she keeps dropping things cuz she can't tell if she has a good grasp or not, just stuff like that that makes life a little harder. Please keep her in ur prayers because we're still not sure yet of the why. I hope it's nothing serious.

On a brighter note we, my mom and I, went to Goodwill to shop for a few polos for school. We came across a gold mine! Well not really, but long story short they were selling an accoustic guitar for 25 dollars with the case. So...I have a new guitar!

Booster shots!

First I must apologize for not blogging about my mission trip or vacation yet ... I'm waiting for pictures. However I don't need pics. to write about camp...which was amazing! but i'll get to that later, after my docotor's appointment. yikes!
So, basically I woke up this morning with my brother leaning over me telling me to get up and start my day because I have booster shots at noon. ouch! those are the worst shots ever! My stomache began tightening and twisting in knots. (even as I type this my hands are sweaty and nervous). Yet, as I take time to breathe, my God has put this peace over me that it's going to be ok. Ya, they're gonna hurt...pretty bad, (I don't even know how many I'm getting) but the pain will only last a short while and this round is the last I'll ever have to have (so i've heard). Besides my Abba went through far worse pain on my behalf at the cross.
Please pray for the pain though...it would mean alot to me.
Oh, while I'm at it please pray for my mother. She's having a trying day already. She woke up, went outside and discovered that our van had been syruped last night. She spent a significant amout of time, that she didn't really have, scrubbing the car. Plus, we have several appointment today and she's really stressed. Your prayers would be appreciated.
Much love...

Phantom of the Opera!

Hey guys I don't have much to say tonight. Well...actually I do, but it'll have to wait cuz I'm in the process of leaving to go to Phantom of the Opera with my cousin, Natalie! I'm So excited!Talk to ya'll later. =D

(Hey, We're back! It was amazing! I loved it. I'm so glad God blessed me with the opportunity to go... and to go with my cousin was just icing on the cake, esp. since I only get to see my cousins from Connecticut once a year. He's God and he can do that. I love my Abba.

Oh, if you haven't been to see it...I encourage you to go, esp. If you like music. The talent was indescribable.) ~I have the songs going through my head~ =D

Send the Rain!

Hey guys. Nothing like procrastinating my blogging to where, for the moment, I only have a blog basically for each month. I have so much to share with you about California and Mexico (Lindsay took care of a lot about Leon.) Anyway, I've decided to divide my thoughts up into a series of blogs so I don't have one lloonngg one that no one wants to read. Tonight though I'm not blogging about my trips. b4 I share anything about them I'm going to pray and ask God to show me what to share and how to share it so the glory for everything I've seen and experienced this past month will go to him and not myself for anything I say.

Tonight, before I go to bed, I'd like to share something that stood out to me in Shane's blog that I just read. It came from this excerpt:

"If you find yourself in a tough situation right now, please don’t lose hope. God may be preparing you for something in your future. Or, perhaps, you may be learning what true contentment and joy are all about – a lesson learned by remaining in difficult circumstances rather than by always being delivered from them.Until that becomes clear, wait...and trust...and hope."

The one word that stood out to me is preparing. I just recently watched facing the Giants Saturday. (It always makes me cry.) There were many parts that hit me in a whole new way. The part that the word prepare reminded me of was a story that God , through this one guy, told to the main character who was going through several difficult situations.
It goes something like this:
Two men were praying to God for rain. They both prayed and prayed, but only one man went out and prepared his fields for it. Now which man do you think trusted God to send the rain? The one who prepared his fields.
We should likewise be preparing our 'fields' in life and be preparing ourselves. We may be in tough situations, but there is no reason to lose hope. (easier said than done.) Whether God is preparing us for something in the future, or whether it's a lesson to learn true contentment and joy we need to (like shane said) wait, trust, and hope. But even more than that we need to prepare our hearts and our lives to recieve the 'rain' that we believe through faith is coming after and/or through the tough situation and difficult circumstances. Every situation and obstacle that we face in life has a purpose and the potential to change our lives if we'd only prepare to let it.

Wait, Trust, Hope, and Prepare for God to work.

Quotes...

Hey guys. Wow! it's been one of those months. I have so much to share with you. However, schools not quite over yet, so I'm stressed for time right now cuz I have to study for finals (spanish and Math), but I'll definately try to tell ya'll about all that's been going on this weeked before we leave for our California trip. But...TOMORROW'S OUR LAST DAY! We have our final finals...he he...tomorrow. It's our third half day and I'm so excited. I'm going to miss all my friends, but I'm not going to miss the homework. Besides, this way I have more time to spend with family and church family. It's weird almost being a junior. I dread all the work I'll have next year, but I've got to go through it sometime. Anyway, I was going through a book full of christian quotes and couldn't help but start to write some of them down. As you can see I got a little carried away, but they're all good and I hope you enjoy them...despite the length. (They get a little more thought provoking as you read through them.) =D
Oh, and I'd encourage you to really think through some of these and not just blow them off, because, some more than others, really have a point.

· Need an extreme makeover? Get a faith lift!
· Fight truth decay…read the Bible.
· Don’t let worries get you down…Even Moses started out as a Basket Case!
· Caution: Non-exposure to the Son will cause burning!
· Come on in, we’re prayer conditioned.
· Forbidden fruit creates many jams.
· You can’t use the wages of sin to buy your way into heaven.
· God can fix anything…(and he doesn’t use any duct tape!)
· Church parking only…trespassers will be baptized.
· Today is a gift from God. That’s why they call it “The Present.”
· God promises a smooth landing, not a smooth flight.
· Working for the Lord may be hard, but the “retirement perks” are out of this world!
· Write your plans in pencil…and give God the eraser.
· Life is like hide and seek. You’re either seeking, or hiding, from God.
· Many want to serve God, but only as an advisor.
· Don’t give the devil a ride; he’ll always want to drive.
· Don’t give God instructions, just report for duty.
· Don’t put a question mark where God puts a period.
· God always answers knee mail.
· Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
· No God, No peace…Know God, Know Peace.
· Sitting in church makes you a Christian, like sitting in your garage makes you a car!
· Plan ahead…it wasn’t raining when Noah built the Ark.
· Be ye fishers of men. You catch them…God cleans them.
· The Best vitamin for a Christian is B-1.
· Exercise daily…walk with the Lord.
· Remember…a day hemmed in prayer is less likely to unravel.
· If God is your co pilot…switch seats.
· When you can’t sleep, don’t count sheep…talk to the Shepherd.
· The task ahead of us is never greater than the power behind us.

God...

Well, I've had a God week that's for sure. For starters I went to tri-state, we won, and I got to go to the last half of the retreat wich was a huge blessing. I have so many God stories...but very little time. I have homework and it's almost time for bed, but I'll try to fill ya'll in as soon as possible.
In the mean time...
here's a question that was randomly asked by an Aimer in my service project group at Workshop that left an impression on me, because it really made me think.

What's your favorite thing about God? why?

On my mind

I have much on my heart and therefore, for the most part, much I'd like to share. A lot has happened in the past two weeks. Unfortunately I have very little time, right now anyway. So, for now, I'll stick to the things that are at the forefront of my mind. Before that though, I'd like to point out that at the very bottom of my blog I have a daily bible verse that changes...yes you guessed it...daily. I'd encourage you to scroll down and read it each time you have the chance to get on my blog...or get your own...because I've found it really uplifting, insightful, and encouraging.

So, here it goes...

You know how little stuff can just pile up until it becomes one big heavy burden? that's how it's come about (little things such as school in general right now...) and that's how I feel...weighed down/frustrated/confused. I'll stick to the iceing on the cake. The iceing on the cake was the game Saturday night. Sure it was a close and frustrating game, but that's not it. It's the fact that I didn't play at all. It wouldn't be such a big deal, but we've been training hard all week for State (even through pouring rain) and I've seen myself improve quite a bit just this week...and to not even get to play a little bit? I can't help but ask myself, "Is my best not good enough... or am I just not trying hard enough?" On top of that Randy came to watch me play and well, he didn't get to see me play. It was embarassing after the game, people coming up to me not knowing what to say...saying good job anyway... Sunday morning being recognized as a state champion along with Catie when I didn't do anything to contribute to the game at all...those reminders.

I've been having a hard time deciding if I wanted to go to tri-state this weekend or to the advance. I was leaning towards going to tri-state, but, Now, more than ever, I really don't know. cuz I mean really... would I get to play? I hate saying all this stuff cuz it's negative thinking, but i'd be lying if I tried to say anything else. I feel like such a failure...useless...alone...

Also, everything I've just said is a parallel to my spiritual life currently. I feel disconnected...useless. I know it's the devils doing, finigling his way into my thoughts, but they're there nonetheless. I find myself stifling my true passion and emotions. God puts things on my heart during discussions at church, and at school, but more often than not something holds me back. Plus, all that I gained from the totally dependent experiment...I've begun to slowly lose my grip on. My life has started to become sectioned again into school and church, but I don't want it to be. My heart cries out. I want to be one with the spirit, with my abba father. I want my entire life to be about and for him, but it's so hard. Often I find that I long for the very things that I want to berid of and I'm often afraid of the things that I long to posses and be apart of... My heart and spirit, my whole being cries out to the lamb.

Thanks for listening...

"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. " ~Romans 7: 15-20~

~Please keep me in your prayers.~

Totally Dependent

Hey guys. I don't know if ya'll had the chance to read our totally dependent blog or not, but all of the following blogs are my written thoughts. I thought you might like to read, if you hadn't yet, some of the things God did and had on my heart during the totally dependent experiment. You may still want go to our blog even though the experiment is over and read some of the other hearts that were poured out. (The link is at the bottom.)
I love all of you and am excited to be part of this God filled blogging community.
~In Him~

God week...

Well, first of all it has been a God week that's for sure. I don't know how to describe it. There haven't been any spiritual fireworks, and I wasn't expecting them, but there has definately been an undescribable peace that has been with me. It's amazing what a few constant prayers can do.

I have noticed myself being more focused on my Father throughout my day which has begun to lead to an attitude change for the most part. God has really opened my eyes this week and allowed me to see what he can do with my life if I just let him.

I got to thinking and my life is really like a road trip. I guarantee you that if we just give God the wheel he'd gladly take it for us. My problem is that sometimes I get where I don't like the direction that God is driving and so i try to grab the wheel and make a u turn, because I'm scared. I don't doubt what God can do, but i doubt myself. I'm a vessel God's driving/using and that's an awesome thought, but at the same time it can be intimidating; if I give God the wheel who knows where I'll go. Some places may challenge me and be very uncomfortable, but that's the beauty about God, He knows just what we need and when we need them and we've got to go through those tight places in order to grow. And that's where totally depending on Him really comes in. I've got to let him be the driver of my life.

God thank you so much for the opportunity to do this with my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. Continue to be with us as we learn to become totally dependent on you.

I Peter 4:6-7"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you..."

God is good!

Wow...where do i start? God is so good. I've already seen and experienced Him working many times through all this and we've only been doing this for two weeks! I'm so excited and can't wait to see what else God will do during the next five weeks...and even further down the road.

Well, for starters, my week didn't start out so great. I had this huge research paper due Friday and I was going to get a large portion of it done monday, because we had school off. The next thing you know my day is pretty much gone and I've done none of my paper. I look back at my day and realize that I made no efforts to totally depend on my God and let him take care of my day. Instead, I had filled my day with distractions like the computer and T.V..By the time I had reached the end of my day I was a complete wreck. I had already begun to stress about my paper and I had the whole week ahead of me.

Before you know it I find myself in my mothers arms at the feet of our Father. Together, we did what I should have been doing all day. (It's amazing how God uses other people to help us refocus.) We gave it to God...told him that I couldn't do this alone, without Him. It was out of my control...that was obvious...and it was all him.

Looking back on that week It was definately apparent that God was working. Wouldn't you know that my paper came together smoothly even after the rough start, and I had remotely no stress the rest of the week? In fact, this was the first paper, if I remember correctly, that I have written with relatively no stress, rather I had this unexplainable peace that was with me. Also, through out all this somehow I had an overall positive attitude/perspective. The only explanation is God. I give him the glory. Isn't our God amazing?

Father, I thank you so much for being with me through this, however small it may be, and giving me a glimpse of you, your awesome power, and your love. I ask that you continue to walk with me and guide me as I strive to become more dependant on you.

Philippians 2:13"...for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose."

Depending on God

Where do I start? I have so much weighing on my heart and so many thoughts running through my head that I'm not sure exactly how to sort through the muddled mess and actually put it to words. I will have to rely on the Spirit...My God to take care of that for me? (ironic isn't it?)

I guess that's really where it all starts. Relying on God to dig through all my mess, make sense of it, and turn it into something glorious...a feat only our God can accomplish. And even further into the heart of it...relying on God to help me rely on Him. This idea is something I've noticed over and over again, especially this week. I cannot depend on my God without his constant help, for apart from Him I can do nothing.

In all honesty though, I find myself, not necessarily trying to but none-the-less, living either without searching for that depending help from God or living without depending on Him at all. It's so hard and, especially for me, can be really discouraging/ disheartening. All too often I discover that I have hindered myself from depending on Him. My selfish desires, impatience, and pride get in the way and in reality cut off that connection. Many times, even after pleading with God to remind me that I need that dependent connection with him, I'll get distracted and forget throughout the course of my day.

So I find myself absentmindedly attempting to handle the normal 'small' things. Like several people I've talked to, I have no problem giving God the big things, because I know without a doubt that I can't handle those on my own. However, the smaller things...I can easily deceive myself into thinking that somehow I can handle those . No biggie right? psh...ya right. Apart from God I can do nothing! And the thing that throws me is why that's even appealing to me. I mean it should be obvious that every time I try to meddle in something that I know won't do any good, especially things like this that the Lord himself can take care of, that the opposite of good usually happens. Anything has the potential to be good...especially where God is concerned...but If I try it myself, it can potentially come out all wrong. And then I can become more discouraged than before; deeper in my problems/ struggles...and what good does that do? Nothing! Absolutely nothing. So, after analyzing all this...the root of the matter is obvious. I need my God.

Abba, I ask that you'll constantly remind me how much I need you and the nothingness that I am without you. I need you to help me rely on you to help me depend on you. Father I need you, more than I've ever needed anything...I need you and I plead for your constant help and presence to be with me wherever I am. Give me the strength and patience to set aside myself so you can truly come in and do what only you can do...For apart from you, I can do nothing.

James 4:7-8 "Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you."

Ski trip

I'm sorry I didn't get to post last week. I was, regrettably, preoccupied with last minute school projects and stuff like that the first part of the week. The second half of the week I was in Durango, Colorado, for the ski trip... However, here I am now with every intention of continuing to depend on my God even as this experiment draws to a close.

The ski trip was a real eye opener for me. First of all, the majestic mountains. I'd been to Colorado before, but it had been awhile and I'd obviously forgotten just how beautifully breathtaking God's hand crafted mountains are. The way they radiated God's awesome power was incredible. It made me once again realize what a...truly indescribable God we serve. And it made me think, why wouldn't I want to be totally dependent on Him? I know why I'm not dependent 24/7, I get in the way, but I do know that even as this experiment draws to an end I want to totally depend on God and to continue to grow in my relationship with Him.

Also, for those of you that don't know, my picture here is currently a little deceiving. I don't quite look like this, although I'm getting there, but during the ski trip I had an accident. All I can say is that the Lord was watching over me. I was going pretty fast on my skis, maybe too fast, on a rather steep hill and I came to an area that said "no jumping". Well, by the time I had read the sign, which wasn't very (for lack of a better word) jump-out-at-you-ish in the first place, I found that I had no time to try and stop myself, or so I thought. So, on I sped until I came to small drop off right past the "no jumping" sign. Into the air I flew, and with no where else to go but down and with no idea how to land a jump...you can guess what happened. My face pretty quickly and very forcefully became acquainted with the ice. I began to rise from the ground when I looked around me and saw blood all over the ground. "Is that mine?" I thought. From that point on I was in a daze, and several parts of this I don't even remember. But I've been told that almost immediately a doctor who happened to be skiing by stopped and looked me over and a ski instructor came by and helped out too. Also, I was blessed to have a good majority of our group near enough to see it happen and to quickly get help. My injuries could have been a lot worse. I scraped by with a bruised and bloody nose, a few scratches on my face, a punctured lip, and a black eye. I could have easily broken something and even worse...I can't help but think that with the height of the fall that I took...well, let's just say that that's the closest to death I've ever come and it really gets you thinking. It makes me realize just how much we depend on God sometimes whether we even mean to or not. We are so small and relatively insignificant yet He loves us and wants us to choose to depend on Him. He doesn't give us anything we can't bear and in reality depending on Him, even though it's hard, is a blessed opportunity that He gives us. Sometimes, especially when it gets really hard and when we fall, He gives us people to stabilize us and pull us back to our feet ( just like he did with the people in my skiing situation). Just so long as we don't start depending on the helpers in place of God, which is easy to do.
As this experiment draws to a close I pray that it will have served its purpose. That I won't have been dependent on it, but my God through it and that I'll continue to depend on God in everything and grow in my relationship with Him.

Abba, I cry out with all of my heart. I pray that you'll be with me and with my fellow brothers and sisters that have been through this experiment as it draws to a close. I thank you for the opportunity it presented and for the impact it can potentially have on our lives as a whole. I pray that we will continue to pursue a relationship with you and that as we do so we will remember to totally depend on you, our Rock and Redeemer.

Luke 10:41-42 "You are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."

Changes

"Isn't it funny how day-by-day nothing changes, but when you look back everything is different." ~Anonymous~

Through out my life and even just through this experiment I've been through and experienced a lot. I just found the above quote and thought it was appropriate. It may not be dead on, but it pretty well describes for me at least, the way this experiment revealed things to me and the way I generally see things. At one point if you were to ask me if and how the experiment changed my life I would have had a hard time answering you with confidence, because it was hard to see the small and subtle changes that were taking place. I wasn't looking through God's eyes. But now that I look back on it I can honestly say that it has begun to change my life, even if the changes are slight.

This experiment really opened my eyes, in many ways, but especially to the truth that God is always at work even in the small seemingly insignificant things. No matter what I do, he'll be at work and I can't stop that. All I can do is hinder him from working in/through me. I don't want to get in the way. With all of my heart I wish to continue to, with His help, overcome this foolishness that I can find myself in and wish to completely set aside myself, and instead depend on God. It really is the least I can do for all that he's done for me. After all, he has set me aside as his Child...I am a child of the most high God. 'Child of God' and 'Christian' are more than just titles though. They are a way of life-who we are and who we become- and in that we have choices. Now we obviously aren't always going to make the right ones. In fact, on the contrary, quite the opposite. However, no matter the mistakes we make in life I know for a fact that so long as we continue to choose Christ, He won't let us fall.

Something else that this experience has brought to the forefront of my mind has been that the relationship I have with my Abba is not just for my benefit and it doesn't only affect me. I've been guilty of living my life in sections. I had a school section and a Church section. My spiritual life wasn't a constant normal in my life like it should be. Even now it's hard to make it so with all the pressures of the world, but I can just as easily resist those pressures with God's help and add a little of God's 'push' by the way I live. Am I living like a Christ-ian? If I am, and even if I'm not, I affect people around me in someway. I just have the choice to whether the impressions I leave are going to be positive or negative on my end and in that whether I'm going to let God govern my thoughts and my actions. I understand that It's hard and that many times I'll be called to be a fool for Christ, but so long as I'm listening to the voice of truth and living out what it calls me to do I trust that I have nothing to fear, for He knows best and knows what he's talking about no matter how crazy or difficult the request may seem at the time.

I know I'm going to miss this experiment, but its end is really the beginning. It's a challenge to see if the experiment served its purpose. Will I continue to grow in my dependence on God? Will it become apart of who I am and the way I live my every day life? And, if nothing else, It's a realization of how much I depend on God, of how much I need him. With that realization comes the beginning of an opportunity to grow closer to Christ and to continue to depend more on him rather than the temporary things-including myself apart from him.

Abba Father, I thank you so much for the opportunity that this totally dependent mindset experiment gave me and my fellow brothers and sisters. I pray that even though the experiment has drawn to a final close, that its impact will not be forgotten and that we'll let it be a reminder of how much we need you. Let this be the beginning of an opportunity to grow closer to you and to continue to learn how to totally depend on you. We need you Lord, in all we do, for apart from you we can do nothing. I love you. With all my heart, your daughter

Psalm 19:14 "May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer."