Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Camp, A Glimpse of Holy

(Look out this is gonna be a long post. =D I'll understand if u don't want to read it. but I encourage u to cuz I've put my heart into all of these words.)
Also, to the left are videos that pertain to all this...that u might want to watch. Underneath them is an explanation and suggestion as to which ones i recommend.

This is a poem I wrote way before camp just to give u a little insight to how I was feeling.

Lord, have you seen inside,
and seen what I’ve done?
Oh, don’t you know me?
It seems I’ve hurt everyone.

Spirit, I know I’ve messed up.
The guilt haunts me so long.
Every time I remember it all,
I feel like I’m too far-gone.

Father, look, I’m trying,
but I can’t stop the sin.
And every time I stumble
I cry out, “I’m lost again!”

I know you went to Calvary
I know you died to set me free
You even hung upon the cross,
but Lord, why for me?

God, I’ve made mistakes.
Done things I’m not proud of.
How can you still want me?
Then I hear you whisper, “Love.”

“Little one don’t you know
when I died upon that tree,
your sins were nailed with me there
to show how much I love thee.

Child, won’t you look at me?
What sin? Where? It’s gone!
Don’t you know I love you?
That’s why I sent my son.

My love, do you really know me,
and understand what I’ve done?
I am the key that unlocks sin’s chains.
Just come to me, everyone.

Yes, I went to Calvary
Of course I died to set you free
I chose to hang upon your cross.
Child, for you, can’t you see?

My bride, please look at me.
See, we don’t have to be apart.
I’ve prepared a place just for us
and I can live inside your heart.”

Now I understand.
You died because of love.
To save me though I stumble
and to help me from above.

Savior, can you forgive me?
A fool I’ll ever be.
For pushing you away
from living close to me.

Abba, I can’t do this alone.
I don’t want us to be apart.
So I’ve reopened the door.
Come back into my heart.

I wrote the last part of this poem, where I'm talking again to God, quite a while after I'd written the first part. I wrote it because my mom said it didn't have that 'resolve' at the end like she thought it needed. I agreed, so I typed away. However, even though my mind understood what I was writing and knew it was true I had a hard time convincing my heart. (I don't think that makes much sense.) I guess what I'm trying to say is that I love my God and I knew that he did too because he died for me, but what my mind knew was different from what my heart felt. My heart was questioning why my Abba would die for me. I knew he died because he loves me and because he wants to spend eternity with me, but me and my heart felt so small and insignificant...so unworthy. I guess because of expectations I'd set for myself and then I'd constantly, and still do, fall and stumble. And because of memories I had of how terrible I could be. I struggled to understand the vastness of my Father's forgiveness. I was dwelling on the negative and made myself feel second rate...useless...unworthy. So, this is how I was feeling when I set off to camp with my heart open ready for anything, because I knew He could and would work in mysterious ways for my doubting heart.

The first night of camp was a huge turning point for me. We watched a Louie Giglio film and it was amazing, like perfect timing amazing. He mainly talked about the stars and our solar system. Did u know that if the earth were the size of a golf ball a star, not even the biggest star mind you, would be the size of Mount Everest! The biggest star that scientists have found is so big that the sun...the sun wouldn't even be a speck in comparison. That right there did me in to tears and he wasn't even done talking yet. I thought he was going to say the earth woudn't even be a speck. Do u know how small that makes us?! Small Small. And God is so much bigger than these. He breathed them into existence. (Psalm 33:6) I was beginning to be overwhelmed again. I am so small and unworthy and He is Sooo big. Then Louie started talking about laminin. Oh my goodness. Laminin is a protein in your body. But it's not just any protein, it is the very thing that is holding u together. Ya that small microscopic thing is keeping u and me from falling apart. And guess what else? It is in the perfect shape of the cross. And get this parallel: Colossians 1:17 "He is before all things, and in him all things hold together." How cool is that! I guarantee you that that is no coincidence. It is God. And that's where I lost it completely. I felt so small and insignificant. And yet, in that same moment a huge peace and love washed over me. I was overwhelmed because I was so small and my God was so big...in a positive way. If my heavenly Father can breathe the huge massive vast stars into existence and hold us together what can my God not do? Absolutely nothing. And He chooses to love me and He, one of majesty and who is absolutely indescribable, wishes to have a personal relationship with me! Me of all people. A sinner. I was overwhelmed and overflowing with the love of God.
And I thought that it couldn't get any better...hah. I was so wrong. We did many other things through out the week that spoke to my spirit (such as star gazing...amazing...and I looked at them with a completely different perspective.) , but there was one other thing that really stood out to me and stuck with me. It was the night of our 'emotional devotional.' Collinsville and memorial split so we could have a night just with our youth group. I usually cry on these nights at camp, but I wasn't sure if I could this time. I was so full of joy and filled with the love of God. I didn't think I had any tears in me this time. Well we started singing and I just let my spirit soar as we praised our Father. It was an amazing feeling. There were friends all around me that were in tears and I did my best to comfort them. Praise drew to a close and we ended with a prayer. During that prayer my heart and my thoughts began to pour out. As I stood there with my arms around cori and morgan my own tears joined their's. I don't know how to describe my thought process there, but as I stood there I started to think about the girls that I had my arms around and then all the other family around me. I had this longing in me to reach out to them all and ....
I don't know, show them the love of God; to be a leader. I've had that longing in me for a long time. Ever since I've been in the youth group. But I never new how to do it. I'd compare myself to others...bad idea. The Spirit would give me a nudge to share something on my heart in class, but I'd always freak out and try to push that nudge away. I see ways I can show the love of God but i get scared and choose to not take that step out of my comfort zone. And then I realized that, duh, I've been trying to take that step on my own. I can't do anything without my Father. I need to trust him. That's what it came down to. Trust. Dependence. An in that instant He put a further peace in me that was an assurance to my heart. It helped me let go and soley trust in him. I'm unholy, but he is holy. I'm unworthy, but he is worthy. He is bigger than my biggest fears. He can use me, I just have to let him. I now, have a new found trust in my Abba and I'm working on surrendering all. My heart can now truly say:
Now I understand.
You died because of love.
To save me though I stumble
and to help me from above.
Savior, can you forgive me?
A fool I’ll ever be.
For pushing you away
from living close to me.
Abba, I can’t do this alone.
I don’t want us to be apart.
So I’ve reopened the door.
Come back into my heart.

Saturday, August 2, 2008


Hey guys! well I have a lot to say and most of it is just random. However I still have things on my heart to share with you that I haven't gotten around to yet, such as camp. but since It's getting late and I'm exausted from a very hot day I'm going to share some of my inmost thoughts with you tomorrow...so I'm thinking straight.

So, here goes randomness...
My booster shots weren't near as bad as I thought they were going to be. Infact, I'm almost certain that I've never had a booster, before this past one, that had such a small amount of pain. My only explanation would be God. He's amazing.

My mom is doing better, stress wise anyway. But she's still having problems with her fingers. She can't feel anything and she keeps dropping things cuz she can't tell if she has a good grasp or not, just stuff like that that makes life a little harder. Please keep her in ur prayers because we're still not sure yet of the why. I hope it's nothing serious.

On a brighter note we, my mom and I, went to Goodwill to shop for a few polos for school. We came across a gold mine! Well not really, but long story short they were selling an accoustic guitar for 25 dollars with the case. So...I have a new guitar!