So, here it goes...
You know how little stuff can just pile up until it becomes one big heavy burden? that's how it's come about (little things such as school in general right now...) and that's how I feel...weighed down/frustrated/confused. I'll stick to the iceing on the cake. The iceing on the cake was the game Saturday night. Sure it was a close and frustrating game, but that's not it. It's the fact that I didn't play at all. It wouldn't be such a big deal, but we've been training hard all week for State (even through pouring rain) and I've seen myself improve quite a bit just this week...and to not even get to play a little bit? I can't help but ask myself, "Is my best not good enough... or am I just not trying hard enough?" On top of that Randy came to watch me play and well, he didn't get to see me play. It was embarassing after the game, people coming up to me not knowing what to say...saying good job anyway... Sunday morning being recognized as a state champion along with Catie when I didn't do anything to contribute to the game at all...those reminders.
I've been having a hard time deciding if I wanted to go to tri-state this weekend or to the advance. I was leaning towards going to tri-state, but, Now, more than ever, I really don't know. cuz I mean really... would I get to play? I hate saying all this stuff cuz it's negative thinking, but i'd be lying if I tried to say anything else. I feel like such a failure...useless...alone...
Also, everything I've just said is a parallel to my spiritual life currently. I feel disconnected...useless. I know it's the devils doing, finigling his way into my thoughts, but they're there nonetheless. I find myself stifling my true passion and emotions. God puts things on my heart during discussions at church, and at school, but more often than not something holds me back. Plus, all that I gained from the totally dependent experiment...I've begun to slowly lose my grip on. My life has started to become sectioned again into school and church, but I don't want it to be. My heart cries out. I want to be one with the spirit, with my abba father. I want my entire life to be about and for him, but it's so hard. Often I find that I long for the very things that I want to berid of and I'm often afraid of the things that I long to posses and be apart of... My heart and spirit, my whole being cries out to the lamb.
Thanks for listening...
"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. " ~Romans 7: 15-20~
~Please keep me in your prayers.~
4 comments:
Ah, but you did contribute. Your hours of practice helped train and prepare your teammates who did play on Saturday, in addition to the rest you gave them by playing in previous games.
Your soccer analogy is similar to life in the Kingdom. It's easy to think we don't play a role, or that our role is unimportant. That would be short-sighted, though. We are a body made of different parts. Some are more public, some are more private. Some may seem less useful...until you try to live without them.
Your part of the team and of the Body will change over time. It may even change daily. We're simply charged to be ready to do the part we are called to do. It may not always be glamorous like being on the field for the final seconds of the state championship, but there is infinitely more value in being faithful over the long haul.
You, my friend, are of great value to your soccar team, and even more to your Father's team!
Yeah, what he said!
Shane is quite right. Everyone on the team is very important, even if it doesn't seem like it at first glance.
I will go an extra step and make two suggestions on what to do while you are on the sidelines at a game. The first thing you can do, and the most valuable in my opinion, is to encourage your teammates! Often times in athletic competition a team is only as good as the morale and focus of its members, so keeping everyone's head up by complimenting and cheering them on is a way to be very valuable whether you are playing or not.
The second thing you can do is try to try to know the game like the back of your hand. Think about how things go in certain situations and determine what kind of play/decision you think was the right one (fitting this in with the team philosophy as well is also important when playing on an organized team). Ask questions about these kind of things if you feel you need to, and then rinse, wash, and repeat. In this way when you do get into the game you know it well enough to make even the most difficult split second decisions.
I must admit that I have been struggling with feelings of being not good enough in other matters of late. Know that while you may not feel wonderful about how things are going sometimes, God is still using you in the situations you are in if you let Him. It is a difficult thing to remember sometimes, to be sure, but well worth the effort.
I hope, my friend, that things go well for you in the coming days. Good luck with school, soccer, and anything else that may cross your path.
It was so nice to see you yesterday and see the huge smile on your face. I'm glad you were able to do both things and even more that God made a way for it to be easy without a lot of stress and worry. Seems like He always comes in just at the right time huh? Love you!
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