Saturday, November 1, 2008


If this post comes across sacrilegious, because of the parallel to a mythical creature I'm sorry, but It's something I've had on my heart and I'd like to share it with you.

I just finished friday a book that I started thursday. It was pretty good. It's basically about a girl my age who is a werewolf and she's trying to figure out how to be who she's meant to be. The parallels at the end of this book in comparison to what I feel in my heart are scarily accurate. yet I didn't realize it till after I read bobby's e-mail to me about this, what I've been struggling with. About my fears holding me back when the spirit nudges me to do something, about living whole-heartedly for Him. I was praying, trying to figure out how to live whole-heartedly, and to be who I'm meant to be and then it all clicked...and then I just lost it because of what God showed me, no matter how strange the method may have been.

Here are some parts from the book that apply to what I have to say:
(at this point she's stuck in a form that's 1/2 human and 1/2 wolf.) "Then why am I stuck?" "You don't understand do you? It's your choice. You're doing it to yourself. If you want to, you can make the change. Relax. Let go." "I can't" "Yes, you can. And I know how to help you."
(Long story short, he loves her deeply and shows her how to be herself, who she's meant to be-a werewolf. He helps her go from stuck in between to whole.)

Here's a prayer I wrote down last night after our Abba showed me the connection between what I had read and what I was feeling in my heart:
God, I'm at an impasse. I'm stuck in the middle of two things, choices that I must make. I want so desperately to serve you whole-heartedly. To lead w/o reserve and fear, yet I find myself holding back, ignoring your touch. Because I'm afraid of what people will think. "Afraid to rid my life of the things that so easily bring me down." (As bobby says.) I'm living luke-warm and I'm tired of it. It's crushing my spirit and who I am, who you've made me and who you'll make me. I'm stuck between 1/2 wolf and 1/2 human. I can't seem to let go and completely embrace who I'm meant to be. I know it's a choice, it's my choice, but I'm scared/unsure and I can't do it alone. I doubt myself, I'm holding myself back and at times, bring myself down. I've been known to put myself before you and I must rid myself, my life, of that. I need to completely let go, of what I want and think best, because it's all about you, not me. I don't doubt you. There's nothing you can't do. "I can do all things through Christ who is my strength." I can't be a "werewolf" w/o you, because a werewolf needs strength to be what they're meant to be and you are that strength. I need you. (for much more than simply strength.) You can help me, I must let you help me. I can't live this way anymore. I loved (what I thought was love) in a way that's not who I truly am... I loved things of this world. I was not being true to myself. I was loving what should not be loved, and because of that I was only loving with 1/2 of my heart. I know what true love is, you have shown me, it's loving with my whole being. We weren't made to live1/2, whole is who you made me to be. And through you, my precious prince (my true love) -you who I can be myself with- and by your precious blood I can be whole once more. I just have to trust you and let you help me change/grow. Help me to let go of the things that are holding me back. Help me be who I am meant to be. Make me your "werewolf". Conquer all my fears and misgivings and reign in me.

Please keep me in your prayers as I struggle to completely let let my Abba take control of my life so that I might live without reserve and fear (of what people think).

"Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ." Galatians 1:10