Loss for words

I've had this song stuck in my head all night. We sang it in chapel and it's amazing how accurate the words and the meaning behind them mirror how I'm feeling tonight.
It is the song Word of God Speak by MercyMe, and the lyrics go like this:

I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay
The last thing I need is to be heard
But to hear what You would say

[CHORUS]Word of God speak would You pour down like rain washing my eyes to see Your majesty to be still and know that You're in this place please let me stay and rest in Your holiness Word of God speak.

I'm finding myself in the midst of You
Beyond the music, beyond the noise
All that I need is to be with You
And in the quiet hear Your voice
[REPEAT CHORUS 2x]

I'm finding myself at a loss for words and the funny thing is it's okay.

We were talking tonight upstairs about things we see or experience that prove the existence of God. There were so many things mentioned so many personal stories shared that could only be the intervention of the hand of God. I was overwhelmed and at a loss for words. I remianed silent and just took in how amazing and real and active he is in our lives. He's all around us and sometimes we just need to remain silent and in the quiet hear his voice. I heard him loud and clear tonight and just sat there, my eyes brimming with tears, and my heart overflowing. I'm finding myself at a loss for words, and the funny thing is it's okay.

Camp, A Glimpse of Holy

(Look out this is gonna be a long post. =D I'll understand if u don't want to read it. but I encourage u to cuz I've put my heart into all of these words.)

Also, to the left are videos that pertain to all this...that u might want to watch. Underneath them is an explanation and suggestion as to which ones i recommend.

This is a poem I wrote way before camp just to give u a little insight to how I was feeling.

Lord, have you seen inside,
and seen what I’ve done?
Oh, don’t you know me?
It seems I’ve hurt everyone.

Spirit, I know I’ve messed up.
The guilt haunts me so long.
Every time I remember it all,
I feel like I’m too far-gone.

Father, look, I’m trying,
but I can’t stop the sin.
And every time I stumble
I cry out, “I’m lost again!”

I know you went to Calvary
I know you died to set me free
You even hung upon the cross,
but Lord, why for me?

God, I’ve made mistakes.
Done things I’m not proud of.
How can you still want me?
Then I hear you whisper, “Love.”

“Little one don’t you know
when I died upon that tree,
your sins were nailed with me there
to show how much I love thee.

Child, won’t you look at me?
What sin? Where? It’s gone!
Don’t you know I love you?
That’s why I sent my son.

My love, do you really know me,
and understand what I’ve done?
I am the key that unlocks sin’s chains.
Just come to me, everyone.

Yes, I went to Calvary
Of course I died to set you free
I chose to hang upon your cross.
Child, for you, can’t you see?

My bride, please look at me.
See, we don’t have to be apart.
I’ve prepared a place just for us
and I can live inside your heart.”

Now I understand.
You died because of love.
To save me though I stumble
and to help me from above.

Savior, can you forgive me?
A fool I’ll ever be.
For pushing you away
from living close to me.

Abba, I can’t do this alone.
I don’t want us to be apart.
So I’ve reopened the door.
Come back into my heart.

I wrote the last part of this poem, where I'm talking again to God, quite a while after I'd written the first part. I wrote it because my mom said it didn't have that 'resolve' at the end like she thought it needed. I agreed, so I typed away. However, even though my mind understood what I was writing and knew it was true I had a hard time convincing my heart. (I don't think that makes much sense.) I guess what I'm trying to say is that I love my God and I knew that he did too because he died for me, but what my mind knew was different from what my heart felt. My heart was questioning why my Abba would die for me. I knew he died because he loves me and because he wants to spend eternity with me, but me and my heart felt so small and insignificant...so unworthy. I guess because of expectations I'd set for myself and then I'd constantly, and still do, fall and stumble. And because of memories I had of how terrible I could be. I struggled to understand the vastness of my Father's forgiveness. I was dwelling on the negative and made myself feel second rate...useless...unworthy. So, this is how I was feeling when I set off to camp with my heart open ready for anything, because I knew He could and would work in mysterious ways for my doubting heart.

The first night of camp was a huge turning point for me. We watched a Louie Giglio film and it was amazing, like perfect timing amazing. He mainly talked about the stars and our solar system. Did u know that if the earth were the size of a golf ball a star, not even the biggest star mind you, would be the size of Mount Everest! The biggest star that scientists have found is so big that the sun...the sun wouldn't even be a speck in comparison. That right there did me in to tears and he wasn't even done talking yet. I thought he was going to say the earth woudn't even be a speck. Do u know how small that makes us?! Small Small. And God is so much bigger than these. He breathed them into existence. (Psalm 33:6) I was beginning to be overwhelmed again. I am so small and unworthy and He is Sooo big. Then Louie started talking about laminin. Oh my goodness. Laminin is a protein in your body. But it's not just any protein, it is the very thing that is holding u together. Ya that small microscopic thing is keeping u and me from falling apart. And guess what else? It is in the perfect shape of the cross. And get this parallel: Colossians 1:17 "He is before all things, and in him all things hold together." How cool is that! I guarantee you that that is no coincidence. It is God. And that's where I lost it completely. I felt so small and insignificant. And yet, in that same moment a huge peace and love washed over me. I was overwhelmed because I was so small and my God was so big...in a positive way. If my heavenly Father can breathe the huge massive vast stars into existence and hold us together what can my God not do? Absolutely nothing. And He chooses to love me and He, one of majesty and who is absolutely indescribable, wishes to have a personal relationship with me! Me of all people. A sinner. I was overwhelmed and overflowing with the love of God.

And I thought that it couldn't get any better...hah. I was so wrong. We did many other things through out the week that spoke to my spirit (such as star gazing...amazing...and I looked at them with a completely different perspective.) , but there was one other thing that really stood out to me and stuck with me. It was the night of our 'emotional devotional.' Collinsville and memorial split so we could have a night just with our youth group. I usually cry on these nights at camp, but I wasn't sure if I could this time. I was so full of joy and filled with the love of God. I didn't think I had any tears in me this time. Well we started singing and I just let my spirit soar as we praised our Father. It was an amazing feeling. There were friends all around me that were in tears and I did my best to comfort them. Praise drew to a close and we ended with a prayer. During that prayer my heart and my thoughts began to pour out. As I stood there with my arms around cori and morgan my own tears joined their's. I don't know how to describe my thought process there, but as I stood there I started to think about the girls that I had my arms around and then all the other family around me. I had this longing in me to reach out to them all and ....

I don't know, show them the love of God; to be a leader. I've had that longing in me for a long time. Ever since I've been in the youth group. But I never new how to do it. I'd compare myself to others...bad idea. The Spirit would give me a nudge to share something on my heart in class, but I'd always freak out and try to push that nudge away. I see ways I can show the love of God but i get scared and choose to not take that step out of my comfort zone. And then I realized that, duh, I've been trying to take that step on my own. I can't do anything without my Father. I need to trust him. That's what it came down to. Trust. Dependence. An in that instant He put a further peace in me that was an assurance to my heart. It helped me let go and soley trust in him. I'm unholy, but he is holy. I'm unworthy, but he is worthy. He is bigger than my biggest fears. He can use me, I just have to let him. I now, have a new found trust in my Abba and I'm working on surrendering all. My heart can now truly say:

Now I understand.

You died because of love.

To save me though I stumble

and to help me from above.

Savior, can you forgive me?

A fool I’ll ever be.

For pushing you away

from living close to me.

Abba, I can’t do this alone.

I don’t want us to be apart.

So I’ve reopened the door.

Come back into my heart.

Update

Hey guys! well I have a lot to say and most of it is just random. However I still have things on my heart to share with you that I haven't gotten around to yet, such as camp. but since It's getting late and I'm exausted from a very hot day I'm going to share some of my inmost thoughts with you tomorrow...so I'm thinking straight.

So, here goes randomness...
My booster shots weren't near as bad as I thought they were going to be. Infact, I'm almost certain that I've never had a booster, before this past one, that had such a small amount of pain. My only explanation would be God. He's amazing.

My mom is doing better, stress wise anyway. But she's still having problems with her fingers. She can't feel anything and she keeps dropping things cuz she can't tell if she has a good grasp or not, just stuff like that that makes life a little harder. Please keep her in ur prayers because we're still not sure yet of the why. I hope it's nothing serious.

On a brighter note we, my mom and I, went to Goodwill to shop for a few polos for school. We came across a gold mine! Well not really, but long story short they were selling an accoustic guitar for 25 dollars with the case. So...I have a new guitar!

Booster shots!

First I must apologize for not blogging about my mission trip or vacation yet ... I'm waiting for pictures. However I don't need pics. to write about camp...which was amazing! but i'll get to that later, after my docotor's appointment. yikes!
So, basically I woke up this morning with my brother leaning over me telling me to get up and start my day because I have booster shots at noon. ouch! those are the worst shots ever! My stomache began tightening and twisting in knots. (even as I type this my hands are sweaty and nervous). Yet, as I take time to breathe, my God has put this peace over me that it's going to be ok. Ya, they're gonna hurt...pretty bad, (I don't even know how many I'm getting) but the pain will only last a short while and this round is the last I'll ever have to have (so i've heard). Besides my Abba went through far worse pain on my behalf at the cross.
Please pray for the pain though...it would mean alot to me.
Oh, while I'm at it please pray for my mother. She's having a trying day already. She woke up, went outside and discovered that our van had been syruped last night. She spent a significant amout of time, that she didn't really have, scrubbing the car. Plus, we have several appointment today and she's really stressed. Your prayers would be appreciated.
Much love...

Phantom of the Opera!

Hey guys I don't have much to say tonight. Well...actually I do, but it'll have to wait cuz I'm in the process of leaving to go to Phantom of the Opera with my cousin, Natalie! I'm So excited!Talk to ya'll later. =D

(Hey, We're back! It was amazing! I loved it. I'm so glad God blessed me with the opportunity to go... and to go with my cousin was just icing on the cake, esp. since I only get to see my cousins from Connecticut once a year. He's God and he can do that. I love my Abba.

Oh, if you haven't been to see it...I encourage you to go, esp. If you like music. The talent was indescribable.) ~I have the songs going through my head~ =D

Send the Rain!

Hey guys. Nothing like procrastinating my blogging to where, for the moment, I only have a blog basically for each month. I have so much to share with you about California and Mexico (Lindsay took care of a lot about Leon.) Anyway, I've decided to divide my thoughts up into a series of blogs so I don't have one lloonngg one that no one wants to read. Tonight though I'm not blogging about my trips. b4 I share anything about them I'm going to pray and ask God to show me what to share and how to share it so the glory for everything I've seen and experienced this past month will go to him and not myself for anything I say.

Tonight, before I go to bed, I'd like to share something that stood out to me in Shane's blog that I just read. It came from this excerpt:

"If you find yourself in a tough situation right now, please don’t lose hope. God may be preparing you for something in your future. Or, perhaps, you may be learning what true contentment and joy are all about – a lesson learned by remaining in difficult circumstances rather than by always being delivered from them.Until that becomes clear, wait...and trust...and hope."

The one word that stood out to me is preparing. I just recently watched facing the Giants Saturday. (It always makes me cry.) There were many parts that hit me in a whole new way. The part that the word prepare reminded me of was a story that God , through this one guy, told to the main character who was going through several difficult situations.
It goes something like this:
Two men were praying to God for rain. They both prayed and prayed, but only one man went out and prepared his fields for it. Now which man do you think trusted God to send the rain? The one who prepared his fields.
We should likewise be preparing our 'fields' in life and be preparing ourselves. We may be in tough situations, but there is no reason to lose hope. (easier said than done.) Whether God is preparing us for something in the future, or whether it's a lesson to learn true contentment and joy we need to (like shane said) wait, trust, and hope. But even more than that we need to prepare our hearts and our lives to recieve the 'rain' that we believe through faith is coming after and/or through the tough situation and difficult circumstances. Every situation and obstacle that we face in life has a purpose and the potential to change our lives if we'd only prepare to let it.

Wait, Trust, Hope, and Prepare for God to work.

Quotes...

Hey guys. Wow! it's been one of those months. I have so much to share with you. However, schools not quite over yet, so I'm stressed for time right now cuz I have to study for finals (spanish and Math), but I'll definately try to tell ya'll about all that's been going on this weeked before we leave for our California trip. But...TOMORROW'S OUR LAST DAY! We have our final finals...he he...tomorrow. It's our third half day and I'm so excited. I'm going to miss all my friends, but I'm not going to miss the homework. Besides, this way I have more time to spend with family and church family. It's weird almost being a junior. I dread all the work I'll have next year, but I've got to go through it sometime. Anyway, I was going through a book full of christian quotes and couldn't help but start to write some of them down. As you can see I got a little carried away, but they're all good and I hope you enjoy them...despite the length. (They get a little more thought provoking as you read through them.) =D
Oh, and I'd encourage you to really think through some of these and not just blow them off, because, some more than others, really have a point.

· Need an extreme makeover? Get a faith lift!
· Fight truth decay…read the Bible.
· Don’t let worries get you down…Even Moses started out as a Basket Case!
· Caution: Non-exposure to the Son will cause burning!
· Come on in, we’re prayer conditioned.
· Forbidden fruit creates many jams.
· You can’t use the wages of sin to buy your way into heaven.
· God can fix anything…(and he doesn’t use any duct tape!)
· Church parking only…trespassers will be baptized.
· Today is a gift from God. That’s why they call it “The Present.”
· God promises a smooth landing, not a smooth flight.
· Working for the Lord may be hard, but the “retirement perks” are out of this world!
· Write your plans in pencil…and give God the eraser.
· Life is like hide and seek. You’re either seeking, or hiding, from God.
· Many want to serve God, but only as an advisor.
· Don’t give the devil a ride; he’ll always want to drive.
· Don’t give God instructions, just report for duty.
· Don’t put a question mark where God puts a period.
· God always answers knee mail.
· Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
· No God, No peace…Know God, Know Peace.
· Sitting in church makes you a Christian, like sitting in your garage makes you a car!
· Plan ahead…it wasn’t raining when Noah built the Ark.
· Be ye fishers of men. You catch them…God cleans them.
· The Best vitamin for a Christian is B-1.
· Exercise daily…walk with the Lord.
· Remember…a day hemmed in prayer is less likely to unravel.
· If God is your co pilot…switch seats.
· When you can’t sleep, don’t count sheep…talk to the Shepherd.
· The task ahead of us is never greater than the power behind us.