AIM Update

hey, guess what? i have a blog! lol sorry, life's just been so crazy...
but i'm gonna do my best to keep you updated on aim life via my blog. so...spread the word! =)
anyway:
there are so many ppl i haven't gotten to talk to in awhile that i'm dying to but i just haven't had any time. sadness. but it's just been crazy, esp. this past week. had our first ed wharton test wednessday...ask daniel =p or any other past aimer for that matter lol. his tests are infamous...as is his teaching lol (spen four hours studying for that thing =p ) anyway, but besides the past two nights...my first free evenings with no hw all week long...or longer...i've been up til about 1 and getting up at 6:30 or 7...it's been exausting and sometimes emotionally draining too...cuz there's no down time...or quiet time, for God, for that matter either. and with all our trips on the weekends (we're going to clovis NM today) it's just crazy lol...kinda hard to juggle everything, to find a balance: btwn study, socialize, sleep, quiet time, down time...so prayers for that balance would be greatly appreciated =P
BUT . . . i love it =)most of the classes...and the relationships, are just amazing. i love it.and all that i just shared is only a taste...it barely touches on everything...and most of it was negative lol...i didn't even begin sharing the blessings and love and friendships and amazing experiences; the God filled environment i'm experiencing here (in just two short weeks) even among the pain and frustration. it's amazing, and i can't wait for God to break me...to grow me...and to bless me and shower me with his love. God has prepared me for this place, this is where i need to be, and i'm ready.

The Last Day of the Last Year

I walk through the halls alone, empty inside.
It’s as if I’m not even here anymore, distantly surveying what once was.
An empty void aching deep within me is my only existence.
Silence surrounds me, threatening to tear me apart.
I want to scream but only silent tears escape me.
My heart breaks as I reach the locker I once counted as my own.
It belongs to someone else now.
As I sit in this desk, I see myself fading from its existence
This is the last time.
Familiar faces flash before me.
Teachers…no. Friends. Classmates…again, no. Family.
The deepest hurt is leaving my family behind.
Hugging my sisters, knowing this is the last time we’ll probably ever all be together.
Leaving a home.
Twelve years of love over in the blink of an eye.
The bell rings, signaling the end.
So many have gone before me
And now it’s my turn to say goodbye

A Desperate Walk

I've had a lot on my mind lately. God's very much at work...his voice shattering through to the very core of my being...challenging me with things that are very hard to do or face, speaking to me in such a way that continues to bring all the pieces closer and closer together. Through Camp Adventure, Workshop, School retreat, Philosophy and Girls Bible, Akouo, Terry...all very much strung together in a way only the Spirit can...growing me...
calling me to dance in his arms, desperate for him, even during the painful times...to have pure joy. To let him shatter through my fear and doubt. To let go and let God, even if there are things or people I'm clutching to and don't want to let go of. Trusting him and him alone, even when I don't understand. Begging him to open my eyes to see the way he sees...to see the world and the broken and the lost through his eyes...compelling me through the overflow of his love...to walk with him into the unknown.

The Talk of the Town...

I wrote this yesterday during the last song in response to Terry's lesson. It really spoke to me. And what's interesting is the reason it stood out to me. Abba's been working on my heart lately and the very thing Terry spoke about is that which He's been speaking to me about...through my prayers and through deep discussions with friends.
"I have not been the one beaten, but the bystander...watching and doing nothing. The world is broken and beaten down, in need of love. I know Love and essentially have been content to keep Him to myself. I'm no longer content. But I am weak and frightened, I can't do this on my own. For the longest time I've been praying for self-confidence. No more. My need is Christ-confidence. So pray for me, that I'll embrace the confidence He's been trying to give me. I want the world to say, she did not give up on me. She did not give up on me. Jesus. Did. Not. Give. Up. On. Me."

"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."
~Mother Teresa

No Words...

Abba,
I have cried out to you, and you have begun to answer me. It's overwhelming. I can't wrap my mind around it. Tears stream down my face. You are ruining me...don't stop.
Continue to open my eyes, to see through yours. Speak to me and show me who you are!(as you have powerfully begun to do through Zak) Hold me tightly in your unfailing arms and never let me go. Dance with me, Beloved.

God: When you pass through the water I will be with you,
And the waves they will not overtake you.
Do not fear for I have redeemed you.
I have called you by name.
You are mine.

(Chorus)
For I am the Lord Your God.
For I am the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
I am the Lord. (Women: Do not fear.)
I am the Lord. (Do not fear.)
I am the Lord. (Do not fear.)
I am the Lord. (Do not fear.)
I am the Lord.

When you pass through the fire I will be with you,
And the flames they will not overcome you.
Do not fear for I have redeemed you.
I have called you by name.
You are mine.

Me: When I'm there with You in heaven
What a wondrous joy will be
Gathered with the angel chorus
Standing by the glassy sea
Such a thought is hard to fathom
In the presence of my King
And with countless ones forgiven
Gathered round the throne to sing

Glory and honor, worthy is the Lamb
Glory and honor, worthy is the Lamb

Mortal words cannot express it
All the ways you reign supreme
Even death can't hold the vastness
Nor approach this awesome theme
You are God and to Your glory
We will worship and abide
In Your presence there forever
We'll be happy to reside

Glory and honor, worthy is the Lamb
Glory and honor, worthy is the Lamb

Worthy is the lamb
Worthy is the lamb

The Prayer of My Heart

Abba Father,
words elude me. You’re waiting for me to realize your nearness; your arms are open wide and yet I don’t see you. I’ve been blind to your love and beloved closeness to me. YHWE, wake me up! Renew my mind! Speak to my doubts! And give me understanding. Give me the strength of faith and depth of trust to depend solely on you. Show me how much you love me! Reveal yourself in a way that will peel away whatever is covering my spirit eyes and touch my heart in a way I never thought possible. Blow my mind. Offend me! God, speak to me. Jehovah, show me a sign. Great One, enlighten me. Not my will, but thine. “Jesus, I’ve forgotten the words that you have spoken; promises that burned within my heart have now grown dim. With a doubting heart I follow the paths of earthly wisdom. Forgive me for my unbelief, renew the fire again.” Lord, you’re working on my heart, trying to tell me something, I can feel it building. Help me to know your voice and be prepared for what you have to show me; that I’ll be ready and willing to grow. Do an incredible life work in me. Make me the beautiful woman I long to be, the woman I am in your eyes.

school

school started today! I'm taking: college algebra, anatomy/phisiology, modern history, Girls Bible, Spanish 3, English, philosophy, and I'm a part time teachers aide. Senior! anyway, it's late, have homework, but wanted to say pray for this year. kinda stressfull. Pray that God will use me to accomplish his will, that i might trust in Him and surrender my life, and that I might recieve energy, strength, and tenacity.
Love u guys!

Ian Funny

Ian Hughes came over to our house yesterday. It was fun. There's one specific moment that stood out to me, however. He and hunter had been hanging out upstairs for awhile when Ian came down. He was a man on a mission.
Ian: "Mrs. Yeats, do think i could come back home with you after vbs and spend the night with Hunter?"
Mom: "Well, I don't think so. We have a lot to do tomorrow, but maybe some other time. What did Hunter say?"
Ian: "He said you'd say yes or no."
=D
Ah, that was a bright spot in my day. You gotta love him.

Bobby and Melissa

Hey God. I don’t even know where to begin. This week you’ve been so obviously at work in me…it’s been a great experience, but hard. Camp Barnabas was amazing (we’ll talk more about that later…when I’m more in the mood to look back on it all). You’ve been breaking me down to say the least and preparing me for something great. A huge crescendo into something better than I could never begin to imagine. But that’s the problem. I can’t imagine it. I’m so blind. I can’t see through your eyes into the big picture as easily as I’d like. They left today, officially. I’m scared and heartbroken. I want to trust in you and give you all my fears and insecurities but it’s so hard. I find my heart warring against all you’ve taught me. Yea, I want to see the big picture and trust that you know what you’re doing, but at the same time… I find I’m having trouble letting go of the past and my selfish ambitions. I don’t want to let go of bobby. He’s like the older brother I never had. He’s my family, my listener, my youth minister, my encourager, and above all my friend. I don’t want to let go of Melissa. She’s been a second mom to me. She has a spiritual strength and peace about her that draws me into what she has in you. Through them you have given me so many things, such as a passion I never thought I’d have. I’ve been blessed beyond numerical recognition.
I don’t know what to do. I’m dazed and numb as if this were all just a bad dream. Please, help me to trust in you and your wisdom, which is foolishness to man. Give me your eyes so I can see, or at least be at peace with, the things you’re doing in this group. I know you have a plan…to prosper us, not to harm us (Jeremiah 29:11) but right now it doesn’t feel like it. My heart is breaking. My tears are flowing freely. And it makes me wonder how anything good could come out of this (Though I firmly believe otherwise). I’m scared. Not only do I hurt with a strange emptiness, but the unknown of what will happen now and who might step in the now empty roll of Youth Minister frightens me. Guide me oh my rock, my shelter. Comfort me oh my Prince of Peace. Help me step up and provide the same for my fellow brothers and sisters. Help me to see that Bobby, though my friend, is not mine to hold on to. He is yours, to do with as you will. Give me a peace that passes all understanding and your incomprehensible wisdom, that I might let go of what I’ve held so dear to my heart.

Bobby & Melissa (verses)

Verses:
· You are not your own; you were bought at a price. (1 Corinthians 6:19)

· …all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. (Colossians 1:17)

· Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it. (Matthew 10:39)

· Unless a grain of wheat is buried in the ground, dead to the world, it is never any more than a grain of wheat. But if it is buried, it sprouts and reproduces itself many times over. In the same way, anyone who holds on to his life, just as it is, destroys that life. But if you let it go, reckless in your love, you’ll have it forever, real and eternal. (John 12:24)

· Consider it pure joy my brothers whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. (James 1:2-3)

· Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. (James 1:12)

· Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. (Psalm 51:12)

· And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose…If God is for us who can be against us?... in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. (Romans 8:28-)

· Therefore, I urge you brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. (Romans 12:1-2)

· Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. (Romans 12:11-12)

· Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil for you are with me. (Psalm 23)

· Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. (Mathew 11:28)

· I lift my eyes unto the hills. Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord the maker of heaven and earth. (Psalm 121:1-2)

· You keep record of my sorrows. You collect my tears in a bottle and record each one. (Psalm 56:8)

· Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross…consider him…so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. (Hebrews 12:1-3)

· Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. (2 Corinthians 1:3-5)

· Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive and inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. (Colossians 3:23-24)

· “But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not grow faint.” (Isaiah 40: 31)

~ “People are like stained glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when darkness comes their true colors gleam only if there is a light from within.”

Walls

I don't even know where to begin. God has been so good to me. He's been working on my heart and continued the journey I began at the beginning of the year when I said, "Here I am, Lord. Send me." There’s so much to say, I won’t have room to say it all, nor the ability to give the words power but hopefully God will take my inadequacy and make this into something beautiful.
I’ve been re-reading the shack lately. The part of it that has been burned into my memory and my heart is how independent we are as a culture. It’s how we live, and yet, God is calling us to give that up, make him our focus, grow in a relationship with him, and become totally dependent on him. That’s what I long to do, become totally dependent on my Abba, making him the center of my life. However, I have a little thing called fear barring the way, it was the wall around my heart.
It’s with this longing in my heart that I set out for akouo this past weekend. I was expecting God to work and do something, I always do, but I wasn’t expecting that something to hit me so hard. Everything I had on my heart, it’s exactly what akouo was about. It’s exactly what I needed, it was so cool and really powerful. However, the weekend as a whole is not what stands imprinted on my mind and my heart, it was our last evening there.
We split off into just our youth groups and had a time to reflect on the weekend and Praise our Father. The worship was intense, I loved it. After a couple of songs people started confessing things that they had on their hearts, mainly about walls they’d been building, how fake they’d been living, and asking for forgiveness. It hit kinda close, because I had my own walls, fear mainly, that I’d been building and then hiding behind for so long. I felt tears come to my eyes and the spirit nudge me confess myself, but I was scared so I pushed the tears back and ignored the spirit. Then Bobby started talking and began his confession. God used him to get me. Bobby’s was so heartfelt that he was crying pretty heavily near the beginning and all the way through. I can’t stand it when people cry, it makes me tear up too. That didn’t help me any, by way of keeping back my tears, my emotions, and my confession anyway. Then on top of that Bobby also was talking about walls he’d been building. (We’ve talked so he knew of my fear, my walls.) Under the umbrella of the walls he was listing different examples of things we “might” have as walls that we just needed to give to God. “Just let it go”, he said. One particular example he said right as he looked and pointed at me. …the fear of what people think…then our eyes met and I just lost it. I couldn’t hold in the tears and emotions any longer. I don’t think there was a person in there with dry eyes. We cried, and prayed, and tried to sing through the tears for probably an hour or more. Finally, I couldn’t stand it any longer. So, with a tear stained face and many more falling, I choked out my confession of how, for too long, I too had been building up my own walls. I’d been hiding behind my fear and I was tired of living that way. It’s not what I was made for. I asked for forgiveness and received showers of hugs and love. At that moment, I felt the last of my carefully laid walls of fear crumble to dust and blow apart…as far as the east is from the west. An unexplainable peace and joy fell over me and I felt whole, complete for the first time in a long time. My fear and my walls were gone.
Cool right? But God wasn’t done there. When I got home Sunday afternoon, I went upstairs and was laying on my bed when a song came on the radio. It’s one I know all the lyrics to and I love the beat, but it had never registered in my head nor my heart exactly what the words were saying, nor that the speaker in the song was not me, but my Abba. These are the words that I heard:
Come on, it's me you're talking to
There's something going on inside of you
Don't have to say it, but I wish you would
Cause it would be much easier

You always hide behind yourself
You walk a lonely road with no one's help
I hate to break the news
You're headed for a fall

Chorus: And if I have to jump
Then I'll jump And I won't look down
You can cry, you can fight, we can scream and shout
I'll push and pull Until your walls come down
And you understand I'm gonna be around
I'm sticking with you

Even if you try and shut me out
I'm staying here cause that's what love's about
I might let you down, but I won't let you go

So lean into me, I want to know
Everything about the fear you hold inside
Cause you and I are better than just one, so

Chorus:

If that's what it means to love you
If that's what it means to have your back
If that's what it takes to show you
Then I'm in, I'm in


As I laid there on my bed, tears flowing freely down my face I felt the last of my walls fall down, walls I didn’t even know were there and I was filled with an overflowing love that comes only from the Father.
My chains of fear are gone…I’ve been set free.
We serve a good God don’t we?!

Life Changing New Years

You'lll hear more about this tomorrow in church, I hope, but I'd like for you all to have a chance to read it. I have something on my heart that I feel compelled to share with you. I know what’s in my heart but I honestly have no idea how to put it into words. I feel light, and weightless, as if a huge burden has been lifted from my life. To better explain what I’m trying to say, let me tell you about my life changing New Years. Before the teen New Years Eve lock-in, I came across an article in my magazine for Christian girls. It showed me a completely new and different way to approach the New Year. At one point it says, “I’m all about thinking ahead and planning for the future, but the Bible tells me specifically not to bank on the future. I can try to trap time in a silver watch or measure it on a calendar, but I can’t stop it from moving. I can’t control it or hold onto it or bank up extra minutes to keep. I’m just told to do something important with today. Instead of making another resolution that I would, in all likelihood, forget by Jan. 4, I approached the new year with a different attitude.” The rest of this article basically talks about the prophet Isaiah during a time of turmoil and grief. In the same year that Isaiah was faced with the death of his king and friend, Uzziah, he saw the Lord seated on a throne. When the Lord asked, “Whom shall I send? And whom will go for us?”, Isaiah didn’t let the chaos, the unknown, or the unfamiliarity hold him back any longer. He says, “Here I am. Send me.” With one whispered prayer he dedicated every day he had left to the service of his God. This is what I found myself struggling with before the lock-in. I certainly had the chaos, stress, uncertainty, overwhelmed, fearful and weak feeling down to a tee, but giving it all completely over to God…well, that was a different matter. I’m not sure why it was so hard for me; I guess I felt like I was beyond saving. Anyway, I thought the article was worth sharing even though I was still wrestling with parts of it. So, I found myself reading it to the youth group during our New Years devotional. I was so nervous, but I felt compelled to share it with them. After I was done reading, I found myself slowly begin to forget about the parts I’d been struggling with, all importance lost in the excitement of the night. However, Thursday evening my brother just “happened” to be flipping through TV channels and came across a Christian radio station. It was playing a song that I’d heard thousands of times before, but I had never really paid much attention to the words. I heard the words this time and they hit me hard, penetrating right into my soul. These are the words that I heard:

Sometimes your calling comes in dream
Sometimes it comes in the Spirit's breeze,
You reach for the deepest part of me,
And call out for the things of eternity.
But I'm a man, of dust and stains,You move in me, so I can say,

CHORUS:Here I am, Lord, send me,
All of my life, I make an offering,
Here I am, Lord, send me,
Somehow my story, Is part of your plan,
Here I am

When setbacks and failures, and upset plans,
Test my faith and leave me with empty hands,
Are you not the closest when it's hardest to stand?
I know that you will finish what you began.
These broken parts you will redeem,Become the song, that I can sing

Here I am, Lord, send me,
All of my life, I make an offering,
Here I am, Lord, send me,
Somehow my story, Is part of your plan,
Here I am

Overwhelmed by the thought of my weakness,
And the fear that I'll fail you in the end,
In this mess, I'm just one of the pieces,
I can't put this together but you can.

Here I am, Lord, send me,
I want to live my life as an offering
Here I am, Lord, send me,
Somehow my story, Is part of your plan,
Here I am

Here I am, all my life an offering to you, to you
Somehow my story, Is part of your plan,
Here I am

God has an amazing way of communicating what he wants his children to know. I live and breathe music, singing wherever I go. So, when I’m told something really amazing I’m like, “Wow, that was cool.”, but when I hear something through a song it becomes really powerful. When I heard this song I completely lost it. These were the very words my heart was trembling. All of a sudden a brick wall, I hadn’t even realized I’d been building, inside of me snapped and, through a tear stained face, I quite literally started throwing all my burdens and all my brokenness at the feet of my Father. Somehow I felt him embrace me and I felt whole. (Something I haven’t felt in a long time.) I knew without a doubt that I was going to be ok, because my Heavenly Father was not going to let go. Then, I too dedicated every second of every hour of every day I have left to the service of my God. I whispered the same words Isaiah said, “Here I am. Send me”, because the days I live and each breath I take have absolutely no meaning if they don’t belong to my Abba. I share this with you, so that you might hold me accountable to my promise to our God. I’m weak and I’m scared. I stumble a lot and too often in the past have I become discouraged and all too quickly given up. I’m still bound to fall and will fail at times to uphold my promise, but through your prayers may I find the strength to get up and keep going through any and every situation.

Love you all,
Hannah

Stuck

If this post comes across sacrilegious, because of the parallel to a mythical creature I'm sorry, but It's something I've had on my heart and I'd like to share it with you.

I just finished friday a book that I started thursday. It was pretty good. It's basically about a girl my age who is a werewolf and she's trying to figure out how to be who she's meant to be. The parallels at the end of this book in comparison to what I feel in my heart are scarily accurate. yet I didn't realize it till after I read bobby's e-mail to me about this, what I've been struggling with. About my fears holding me back when the spirit nudges me to do something, about living whole-heartedly for Him. I was praying, trying to figure out how to live whole-heartedly, and to be who I'm meant to be and then it all clicked...and then I just lost it because of what God showed me, no matter how strange the method may have been.

Here are some parts from the book that apply to what I have to say:
(at this point she's stuck in a form that's 1/2 human and 1/2 wolf.) "Then why am I stuck?" "You don't understand do you? It's your choice. You're doing it to yourself. If you want to, you can make the change. Relax. Let go." "I can't" "Yes, you can. And I know how to help you."
(Long story short, he loves her deeply and shows her how to be herself, who she's meant to be-a werewolf. He helps her go from stuck in between to whole.)

Here's a prayer I wrote down last night after our Abba showed me the connection between what I had read and what I was feeling in my heart:
God, I'm at an impasse. I'm stuck in the middle of two things, choices that I must make. I want so desperately to serve you whole-heartedly. To lead w/o reserve and fear, yet I find myself holding back, ignoring your touch. Because I'm afraid of what people will think. "Afraid to rid my life of the things that so easily bring me down." (As bobby says.) I'm living luke-warm and I'm tired of it. It's crushing my spirit and who I am, who you've made me and who you'll make me. I'm stuck between 1/2 wolf and 1/2 human. I can't seem to let go and completely embrace who I'm meant to be. I know it's a choice, it's my choice, but I'm scared/unsure and I can't do it alone. I doubt myself, I'm holding myself back and at times, bring myself down. I've been known to put myself before you and I must rid myself, my life, of that. I need to completely let go, of what I want and think best, because it's all about you, not me. I don't doubt you. There's nothing you can't do. "I can do all things through Christ who is my strength." I can't be a "werewolf" w/o you, because a werewolf needs strength to be what they're meant to be and you are that strength. I need you. (for much more than simply strength.) You can help me, I must let you help me. I can't live this way anymore. I loved (what I thought was love) in a way that's not who I truly am... I loved things of this world. I was not being true to myself. I was loving what should not be loved, and because of that I was only loving with 1/2 of my heart. I know what true love is, you have shown me, it's loving with my whole being. We weren't made to live1/2, whole is who you made me to be. And through you, my precious prince (my true love) -you who I can be myself with- and by your precious blood I can be whole once more. I just have to trust you and let you help me change/grow. Help me to let go of the things that are holding me back. Help me be who I am meant to be. Make me your "werewolf". Conquer all my fears and misgivings and reign in me.

Please keep me in your prayers as I struggle to completely let go...to let my Abba take control of my life so that I might live without reserve and fear (of what people think).

"Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ." Galatians 1:10

Loss for words

I've had this song stuck in my head all night. We sang it in chapel and it's amazing how accurate the words and the meaning behind them mirror how I'm feeling tonight.
It is the song Word of God Speak by MercyMe, and the lyrics go like this:

I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay
The last thing I need is to be heard
But to hear what You would say

[CHORUS]Word of God speak would You pour down like rain washing my eyes to see Your majesty to be still and know that You're in this place please let me stay and rest in Your holiness Word of God speak.

I'm finding myself in the midst of You
Beyond the music, beyond the noise
All that I need is to be with You
And in the quiet hear Your voice
[REPEAT CHORUS 2x]

I'm finding myself at a loss for words and the funny thing is it's okay.

We were talking tonight upstairs about things we see or experience that prove the existence of God. There were so many things mentioned so many personal stories shared that could only be the intervention of the hand of God. I was overwhelmed and at a loss for words. I remianed silent and just took in how amazing and real and active he is in our lives. He's all around us and sometimes we just need to remain silent and in the quiet hear his voice. I heard him loud and clear tonight and just sat there, my eyes brimming with tears, and my heart overflowing. I'm finding myself at a loss for words, and the funny thing is it's okay.

Camp, A Glimpse of Holy

(Look out this is gonna be a long post. =D I'll understand if u don't want to read it. but I encourage u to cuz I've put my heart into all of these words.)

Also, to the left are videos that pertain to all this...that u might want to watch. Underneath them is an explanation and suggestion as to which ones i recommend.

This is a poem I wrote way before camp just to give u a little insight to how I was feeling.

Lord, have you seen inside,
and seen what I’ve done?
Oh, don’t you know me?
It seems I’ve hurt everyone.

Spirit, I know I’ve messed up.
The guilt haunts me so long.
Every time I remember it all,
I feel like I’m too far-gone.

Father, look, I’m trying,
but I can’t stop the sin.
And every time I stumble
I cry out, “I’m lost again!”

I know you went to Calvary
I know you died to set me free
You even hung upon the cross,
but Lord, why for me?

God, I’ve made mistakes.
Done things I’m not proud of.
How can you still want me?
Then I hear you whisper, “Love.”

“Little one don’t you know
when I died upon that tree,
your sins were nailed with me there
to show how much I love thee.

Child, won’t you look at me?
What sin? Where? It’s gone!
Don’t you know I love you?
That’s why I sent my son.

My love, do you really know me,
and understand what I’ve done?
I am the key that unlocks sin’s chains.
Just come to me, everyone.

Yes, I went to Calvary
Of course I died to set you free
I chose to hang upon your cross.
Child, for you, can’t you see?

My bride, please look at me.
See, we don’t have to be apart.
I’ve prepared a place just for us
and I can live inside your heart.”

Now I understand.
You died because of love.
To save me though I stumble
and to help me from above.

Savior, can you forgive me?
A fool I’ll ever be.
For pushing you away
from living close to me.

Abba, I can’t do this alone.
I don’t want us to be apart.
So I’ve reopened the door.
Come back into my heart.

I wrote the last part of this poem, where I'm talking again to God, quite a while after I'd written the first part. I wrote it because my mom said it didn't have that 'resolve' at the end like she thought it needed. I agreed, so I typed away. However, even though my mind understood what I was writing and knew it was true I had a hard time convincing my heart. (I don't think that makes much sense.) I guess what I'm trying to say is that I love my God and I knew that he did too because he died for me, but what my mind knew was different from what my heart felt. My heart was questioning why my Abba would die for me. I knew he died because he loves me and because he wants to spend eternity with me, but me and my heart felt so small and insignificant...so unworthy. I guess because of expectations I'd set for myself and then I'd constantly, and still do, fall and stumble. And because of memories I had of how terrible I could be. I struggled to understand the vastness of my Father's forgiveness. I was dwelling on the negative and made myself feel second rate...useless...unworthy. So, this is how I was feeling when I set off to camp with my heart open ready for anything, because I knew He could and would work in mysterious ways for my doubting heart.

The first night of camp was a huge turning point for me. We watched a Louie Giglio film and it was amazing, like perfect timing amazing. He mainly talked about the stars and our solar system. Did u know that if the earth were the size of a golf ball a star, not even the biggest star mind you, would be the size of Mount Everest! The biggest star that scientists have found is so big that the sun...the sun wouldn't even be a speck in comparison. That right there did me in to tears and he wasn't even done talking yet. I thought he was going to say the earth woudn't even be a speck. Do u know how small that makes us?! Small Small. And God is so much bigger than these. He breathed them into existence. (Psalm 33:6) I was beginning to be overwhelmed again. I am so small and unworthy and He is Sooo big. Then Louie started talking about laminin. Oh my goodness. Laminin is a protein in your body. But it's not just any protein, it is the very thing that is holding u together. Ya that small microscopic thing is keeping u and me from falling apart. And guess what else? It is in the perfect shape of the cross. And get this parallel: Colossians 1:17 "He is before all things, and in him all things hold together." How cool is that! I guarantee you that that is no coincidence. It is God. And that's where I lost it completely. I felt so small and insignificant. And yet, in that same moment a huge peace and love washed over me. I was overwhelmed because I was so small and my God was so big...in a positive way. If my heavenly Father can breathe the huge massive vast stars into existence and hold us together what can my God not do? Absolutely nothing. And He chooses to love me and He, one of majesty and who is absolutely indescribable, wishes to have a personal relationship with me! Me of all people. A sinner. I was overwhelmed and overflowing with the love of God.

And I thought that it couldn't get any better...hah. I was so wrong. We did many other things through out the week that spoke to my spirit (such as star gazing...amazing...and I looked at them with a completely different perspective.) , but there was one other thing that really stood out to me and stuck with me. It was the night of our 'emotional devotional.' Collinsville and memorial split so we could have a night just with our youth group. I usually cry on these nights at camp, but I wasn't sure if I could this time. I was so full of joy and filled with the love of God. I didn't think I had any tears in me this time. Well we started singing and I just let my spirit soar as we praised our Father. It was an amazing feeling. There were friends all around me that were in tears and I did my best to comfort them. Praise drew to a close and we ended with a prayer. During that prayer my heart and my thoughts began to pour out. As I stood there with my arms around cori and morgan my own tears joined their's. I don't know how to describe my thought process there, but as I stood there I started to think about the girls that I had my arms around and then all the other family around me. I had this longing in me to reach out to them all and ....

I don't know, show them the love of God; to be a leader. I've had that longing in me for a long time. Ever since I've been in the youth group. But I never new how to do it. I'd compare myself to others...bad idea. The Spirit would give me a nudge to share something on my heart in class, but I'd always freak out and try to push that nudge away. I see ways I can show the love of God but i get scared and choose to not take that step out of my comfort zone. And then I realized that, duh, I've been trying to take that step on my own. I can't do anything without my Father. I need to trust him. That's what it came down to. Trust. Dependence. An in that instant He put a further peace in me that was an assurance to my heart. It helped me let go and soley trust in him. I'm unholy, but he is holy. I'm unworthy, but he is worthy. He is bigger than my biggest fears. He can use me, I just have to let him. I now, have a new found trust in my Abba and I'm working on surrendering all. My heart can now truly say:

Now I understand.

You died because of love.

To save me though I stumble

and to help me from above.

Savior, can you forgive me?

A fool I’ll ever be.

For pushing you away

from living close to me.

Abba, I can’t do this alone.

I don’t want us to be apart.

So I’ve reopened the door.

Come back into my heart.

Update

Hey guys! well I have a lot to say and most of it is just random. However I still have things on my heart to share with you that I haven't gotten around to yet, such as camp. but since It's getting late and I'm exausted from a very hot day I'm going to share some of my inmost thoughts with you tomorrow...so I'm thinking straight.

So, here goes randomness...
My booster shots weren't near as bad as I thought they were going to be. Infact, I'm almost certain that I've never had a booster, before this past one, that had such a small amount of pain. My only explanation would be God. He's amazing.

My mom is doing better, stress wise anyway. But she's still having problems with her fingers. She can't feel anything and she keeps dropping things cuz she can't tell if she has a good grasp or not, just stuff like that that makes life a little harder. Please keep her in ur prayers because we're still not sure yet of the why. I hope it's nothing serious.

On a brighter note we, my mom and I, went to Goodwill to shop for a few polos for school. We came across a gold mine! Well not really, but long story short they were selling an accoustic guitar for 25 dollars with the case. So...I have a new guitar!

Booster shots!

First I must apologize for not blogging about my mission trip or vacation yet ... I'm waiting for pictures. However I don't need pics. to write about camp...which was amazing! but i'll get to that later, after my docotor's appointment. yikes!
So, basically I woke up this morning with my brother leaning over me telling me to get up and start my day because I have booster shots at noon. ouch! those are the worst shots ever! My stomache began tightening and twisting in knots. (even as I type this my hands are sweaty and nervous). Yet, as I take time to breathe, my God has put this peace over me that it's going to be ok. Ya, they're gonna hurt...pretty bad, (I don't even know how many I'm getting) but the pain will only last a short while and this round is the last I'll ever have to have (so i've heard). Besides my Abba went through far worse pain on my behalf at the cross.
Please pray for the pain though...it would mean alot to me.
Oh, while I'm at it please pray for my mother. She's having a trying day already. She woke up, went outside and discovered that our van had been syruped last night. She spent a significant amout of time, that she didn't really have, scrubbing the car. Plus, we have several appointment today and she's really stressed. Your prayers would be appreciated.
Much love...

Phantom of the Opera!

Hey guys I don't have much to say tonight. Well...actually I do, but it'll have to wait cuz I'm in the process of leaving to go to Phantom of the Opera with my cousin, Natalie! I'm So excited!Talk to ya'll later. =D

(Hey, We're back! It was amazing! I loved it. I'm so glad God blessed me with the opportunity to go... and to go with my cousin was just icing on the cake, esp. since I only get to see my cousins from Connecticut once a year. He's God and he can do that. I love my Abba.

Oh, if you haven't been to see it...I encourage you to go, esp. If you like music. The talent was indescribable.) ~I have the songs going through my head~ =D

Send the Rain!

Hey guys. Nothing like procrastinating my blogging to where, for the moment, I only have a blog basically for each month. I have so much to share with you about California and Mexico (Lindsay took care of a lot about Leon.) Anyway, I've decided to divide my thoughts up into a series of blogs so I don't have one lloonngg one that no one wants to read. Tonight though I'm not blogging about my trips. b4 I share anything about them I'm going to pray and ask God to show me what to share and how to share it so the glory for everything I've seen and experienced this past month will go to him and not myself for anything I say.

Tonight, before I go to bed, I'd like to share something that stood out to me in Shane's blog that I just read. It came from this excerpt:

"If you find yourself in a tough situation right now, please don’t lose hope. God may be preparing you for something in your future. Or, perhaps, you may be learning what true contentment and joy are all about – a lesson learned by remaining in difficult circumstances rather than by always being delivered from them.Until that becomes clear, wait...and trust...and hope."

The one word that stood out to me is preparing. I just recently watched facing the Giants Saturday. (It always makes me cry.) There were many parts that hit me in a whole new way. The part that the word prepare reminded me of was a story that God , through this one guy, told to the main character who was going through several difficult situations.
It goes something like this:
Two men were praying to God for rain. They both prayed and prayed, but only one man went out and prepared his fields for it. Now which man do you think trusted God to send the rain? The one who prepared his fields.
We should likewise be preparing our 'fields' in life and be preparing ourselves. We may be in tough situations, but there is no reason to lose hope. (easier said than done.) Whether God is preparing us for something in the future, or whether it's a lesson to learn true contentment and joy we need to (like shane said) wait, trust, and hope. But even more than that we need to prepare our hearts and our lives to recieve the 'rain' that we believe through faith is coming after and/or through the tough situation and difficult circumstances. Every situation and obstacle that we face in life has a purpose and the potential to change our lives if we'd only prepare to let it.

Wait, Trust, Hope, and Prepare for God to work.

Quotes...

Hey guys. Wow! it's been one of those months. I have so much to share with you. However, schools not quite over yet, so I'm stressed for time right now cuz I have to study for finals (spanish and Math), but I'll definately try to tell ya'll about all that's been going on this weeked before we leave for our California trip. But...TOMORROW'S OUR LAST DAY! We have our final finals...he he...tomorrow. It's our third half day and I'm so excited. I'm going to miss all my friends, but I'm not going to miss the homework. Besides, this way I have more time to spend with family and church family. It's weird almost being a junior. I dread all the work I'll have next year, but I've got to go through it sometime. Anyway, I was going through a book full of christian quotes and couldn't help but start to write some of them down. As you can see I got a little carried away, but they're all good and I hope you enjoy them...despite the length. (They get a little more thought provoking as you read through them.) =D
Oh, and I'd encourage you to really think through some of these and not just blow them off, because, some more than others, really have a point.

· Need an extreme makeover? Get a faith lift!
· Fight truth decay…read the Bible.
· Don’t let worries get you down…Even Moses started out as a Basket Case!
· Caution: Non-exposure to the Son will cause burning!
· Come on in, we’re prayer conditioned.
· Forbidden fruit creates many jams.
· You can’t use the wages of sin to buy your way into heaven.
· God can fix anything…(and he doesn’t use any duct tape!)
· Church parking only…trespassers will be baptized.
· Today is a gift from God. That’s why they call it “The Present.”
· God promises a smooth landing, not a smooth flight.
· Working for the Lord may be hard, but the “retirement perks” are out of this world!
· Write your plans in pencil…and give God the eraser.
· Life is like hide and seek. You’re either seeking, or hiding, from God.
· Many want to serve God, but only as an advisor.
· Don’t give the devil a ride; he’ll always want to drive.
· Don’t give God instructions, just report for duty.
· Don’t put a question mark where God puts a period.
· God always answers knee mail.
· Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
· No God, No peace…Know God, Know Peace.
· Sitting in church makes you a Christian, like sitting in your garage makes you a car!
· Plan ahead…it wasn’t raining when Noah built the Ark.
· Be ye fishers of men. You catch them…God cleans them.
· The Best vitamin for a Christian is B-1.
· Exercise daily…walk with the Lord.
· Remember…a day hemmed in prayer is less likely to unravel.
· If God is your co pilot…switch seats.
· When you can’t sleep, don’t count sheep…talk to the Shepherd.
· The task ahead of us is never greater than the power behind us.